Funny scripture of the week: Jeremiah 24:2 (6/2/08)

1Well, this is my last week emailing from the North Spokane Library. Tomorrow I am leaving for East Wenatchee, which is fairly far from here. Today we have to work out how I'm going to get to the transfer van. I have to be at the site at 7:00 a.m. and it could be hard to get members to take us that early,2 especially since they would have to wait for Elder C.'s new companion to come at 11:00.

Wenatchee is at the western edge of our mission. (I think East Wenatchee's name is like ours is North Salt Lake.) Apparently it is like Utah County--desert on one side and mountains on the other. Everyone tells me it gets hot there, and I hate heat. Therefore, I have a request. I do not have seven short-sleeve shirts. I'm not sure how many I have, especially since one just got a mysterious stain. So I need a few short-sleeve shirts.

I just sent a package full of clothes I don't need anymore--socks that don't match my slacks, plain T-shirts I don't need because I've acquired some other shirts (and I mostly use them just for sleeping and P-day), pajamas I don't need since I got some at Christmas, unopened garments that aren't the kind I like and I have plenty, and the aforementioned stained shirt. I am almost packed, I think, and hopefully I can make it. I have to put my books in a box, and it's pretty heavy, especially with History of the Church.

My new companion will be Elder B. I think that's how his name is spelled. It's pronounced [redacted]. According to last month's mission newsletter, if B. is indeed [redacted pronunciation], he is a district leader, which means I'll have to go on a lot of exchanges. I hate exchanges. I lose track of what's going on in my area. I've never liked them since I had to do one for a week. District leaders are supposed to go on two a week, which doesn't bode well for me.

I have Mead and all the names of the ward list practically memorized. I have half of the addresses of the people we're working with memorized. All the knowledge in my head will soon be invalid and irrelevant. Time to relearn everything.

If East Wenatchee follows the pattern I've had here (i.e., four transfers), I'll be there through Halloween.3 I know I'll be there for the Fourth of July, which is coming up pretty quickly.

Um...again I can't think of anything else. I realize this letter sounds like I'm not excited, but I am actually very excited. (I wasn't too excited, though, when they made me say the opening prayer in sacrament meeting since I'm leaving.) I loved the Allie story. I wonder what she was thinking...4

Love,

Elder Melville

[This email was followed by another one, entitled “One other thing”:]

I forgot to tell you...my companion is from Hurricane. Not that that matters, I just forgot to tell you.

That's all!

1Jeremiah 24:2: “One basket had very good figs, even like the figs that are first ripe: and the other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad.” “Very naughty figs” became one of my favorite passages throughout my mission.

2We had a member who worked at the temple take me, since the van met right by the temple.

3Nope, I was only there three transfers.

4Allie was my four-year-old niece. My mom wrote, “I do have a quick Allie story. We were sitting in church and Allie looks up at the ceiling and says, softly but audibly, ‘Preston you get down from there. I told you not to go up there.’ I wonder what the people in front and behind us thought.” Preston was her imaginary brother (named for her real-life cousin).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY POPS! (5/27/08)

"Have a very happy birthday1
Filled with sunshine everywhere;
May the year bring joy and gladness
And the love of friends who care!" (an underappreciated primary song, although the Christmas version is better)2

President C. moved P-day to today because people would be out yesterday and we could talk to them. The white handbook and President think that weekends and holidays are the best times to find people. I think they're the worst because even if people are home they don't want to talk to us. But this week it means I get to email you when I wouldn't have been able to yesterday.3

It was six months ago today that everyone came over and I was set apart to be a missionary, and tomorrow is six months since I entered the MTC. Wow! It doesn't seem terribly long but my mission is already a fourth of the way over.

I wish I could have been at Fillmore yesterday. I didn't even know they kept going with the Narnia movies.4 There's a lot of movies that have come out that I don't know about. That reminds me--in the Chipmunks movie, I guess there's a scene in an office and on the wall is a poster of a kid on a skateboard with a guitar. That is a member of our ward when he was a kid. He produced the documentary on the Church up here that I sent home. He got money for them using the poster in the movie.

Thanks to the internet for helping me find this!

Our Memorial Day wasn't as fun. We helped a new ward member unload boxes from a moving truck.5 Then we went to the ward Memorial Day picnic. We had three investigators show up, ones who can't usually make it to church, so that was good. We played capture-the-flag (Elder C. brought extra clothes, but I didn't) and I got green pollen all over my black shoes. It looked pretty cool, actually. He played ultimate frisbee while I flew my ladybug kite I bought last week (he bought a dragon). Then we wandered through the local cemetery. I was surprised at the amount of "Together Forever" stones.6

We rounded up a bunch of converts for a lesson tonight to help one of our investigators. I hope that goes well.

Elder C. calls a news service every morning7 and one thing they provide is a horoscope, which can be pretty funny as a missionary. Apparently when we were on exchanges on Wednesday it said not to do things alone, to bring a companion. Yesterday it told us to study ancient texts. One Sunday it told us not to run errands.

If you want some funny scriptures, read Jeremiah 5:8 and 8:17.8 The "bite you" in the latter verse makes me think of something Preston would say.9 I finished getting through Isaiah this week (just a basic overview) and this week I hope to get through Jeremiah. If I were to read one book a week, no matter how short or how long, I should finish the Old Testament in September. However, once I get past Ezekiel, it should go a lot faster.

Again, I can't think of anything else to say but I will once I leave. Transfers are next week and it's a good possibility I'll be shipped off. Hopefully I can email Monday--which will be June! On Saturday we're attending a wedding so that our investigator can get baptized.

Love

Elder Melville


1My dad’s birthday is May 27.
2“Have a Very Happy Birthday!” and “Have a Very Merry Christmas!” from the Children’s Songbook..
3This drove me nuts my entire mission. They always told us Saturdays and holidays were best days for finding people at home. You might think that intuitively, but in my personal experience, that was almost never the case.
4My family told me they had seen the Prince Caspian movie. I still haven’t seen it.
5I think these members had been in the ward previously, and everyone was excited they moved back, because they were a solid addition. But I was transferred, so I don’t know. I think some of the members felt bad making us do service on P-day; but since it wasn’t P-day, we were more than happy to help out. I think missionaries should do more service than they actually do, because tracting certainly isn’t very worthwhile.
6We saw the tombstone of the son of the members we lived with. I wanted to take a picture, but my companion forbade it.
7This was technically against the rules, but he wasn’t very obedient, and this was a relatively harmless service. I sometimes thought it would have been helpful for missionaries to know more about current events than we did, since we weren’t supposed to read or watch news.
8“They were as fed horses in the morning: every one neighed after his neighbour’s wife.” “For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the Lord.”
9Preston was my three-year-old nephew. When I visited him before I left, he would go around saying “Die!”

Wow! Two letters in the same day! (5/19/08)

This week's installment of my mission letters features two letters I wrote in the same day. 

I Belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--but in a different way than everyone else

I am not a member of the Church.

I am a missionary of the Church.

One of the numbers we record is the number of lessons with a member present. My companion and I don't count.

Members are commanded to raise a family and be very family-oriented. However, we are not allowed to do more than shake hands with someone of the opposite sex or children. Holding, tickling, and babysitting children are forbidden.

Members are advised to make money to support themselves. I am unemployed.

Members are commanded to go to the temple frequently. I am only permitted to go once every three months, and then I cannot participate in couple sealings, prayer circles, or baptisms for the dead.1

Elder Bednar said missionaries are the full-time teachers and all others are full-time finders, clearly making another distinction how missionaries are not members.2

Members tend to associate with other members. We try to associate with non-members.

Church dances, movie nights, pool nights, etc....not for us.

We're not even allowed at adult sessions of stake conference.

I was a member my whole life until five months ago.

--Elder Melville 

Wow! Two letters in the same day!

I guess it makes up for not being able to email next week due to Memorial Day.

Thanks for the package. Honestly I was a little disappointed at all the trees and the small amount of my niece and nephews. Don't forget I've been on a mission for five and a half months and I haven't seen pictures of anything that's happened since November. But I understand if you have computer problems.3

At the moment I can't think of anything in particular that's interesting this week. I'll just start throwing out random tidbits as I think of them.

There are portions of the Isaiah chapers where the italicized words in the Bible are not included in the Book of Mormon, further evidence of its authentic origin. I want to finish Isaiah this week since I've read all of the standard works all the way through at some point in my life, except for Isaiah through Malachi.

I took a picture of a billboard this week for American Family Insurance. They have a shot of Spot breathing fire out of the staircase with a drippy font saying, "Nothing this family does surprises us." When I first saw it I proclaimed, "Hey! It's the Munsters!" Elder Condie said, "Is that what it is? I've been trying to figure out what that meant."

We had a missionary homecoming yesterday. He told a story of his second companion, with whom he wasn't getting along. His companion went to bed and he prayed to know how to get along with him. Then he opened his scriptures and the first thing he read was, "And the Spirit said unto me, Slay him."4

We are teaching a woman who is in very bad shape. She's a former druggie and still smokes. We were teaching her and she talks a LOT. She was also very tired. She fell asleep mid-sentence not once but twice. It was kind of comical.

This week I found Sister Welsh's red vest, bucket hat, and serious shades on the table. I sported them and went around for a while with them on before she realized I was wearing her clothes. Oh, the fun things you can do with a legally blind person!

Signing off,

Elder Melville

1 I think I might have been a little mistaken; I think the “no baptisms for the dead” rule was only in the MTC.

2 David A. Bednar, “Ask in Faith.”

3 My mom must have sent me pictures on a flash drive or something.

4 I’ve heard this enough that I don’t find it funny anymore.

I already talked to you (5/12/08)

It was so good to talk to you yesterday. Honestly I was very nervous--I don't know why. I guess I figured it would be like Christmas where you'd cry as soon as I got on the phone. If you did, you hid it very well. It also scared me that half of my phone calls are over and it's seven months until the next one and I'm not even at six months now. But when I was on the phone I was holding it with my watch hand, so my excuse for talking so long was that I didn't know how long I was talking, even though there was a clock on the wall. I think my companion talked longer, though, and at Christmas Elder Ch. talked for five hours--so 68 minutes isn't too bad.

I tried briefly to look for Peter's crucifixion--I couldn't find it but I didn't look too hard.1 The LDS study aids aren't always the most helpful.

So...I don't know what to say now because not much has transpired in 21 hours. If Elder Co. lets me I'll just stay online for a while and when I think of something I'll write more.

Love,

Elder Melville


1I believe I had written a letter home that in my sleep, I had put my feet at the head of my bed and imagined I was Peter being crucified upside down. My cousin Peter had never heard of that and wanted a reference.

Each saying "thank you" in his own special way (5/5/08)

It was excellent when the Welshes came back and I was able to acquire my gifts. I really am grateful for all the stuff you get me. I feel guilty asking for it all, especially when it's expensive. The History of the Church is bigger than I expected but it will be nice to have the reference. I love Joseph Smith. I also feel guilty I made you sacrifice your Children's Songbook.1 We have been enjoying the CDs.2 I remember a year ago on our road trip to Tennessee I wasn't too keen on listening to them but when your listening is limited they are good. Elder C. is sick of hymns so he is glad to have primary songs.3 There are some interesting things with the primary songs. The song "Genealogy, I am Doing It" has been changed to "Family History, I am Doing It." "Samuel Tells of the Baby Jesus" (my favorite primary Christmas song) used to be called "Christmas at Zarahemla" (when it was originally written). And all of the Book of Mormon songs sound like Indian songs--the aforementioned Christmas one, "Book of Mormon Stories," "The Books of the Book of Mormon," etc. I love many of the primary songs so I like to listen to them.

Don't feel bad about the cookies.4 I liked them. So did my companion. It was just bad because we're trying to diet.

Last week I think I neglected to tell you the unfortunate news. Duane was put on probation for three more months so he can't get baptized until July. And they've become flaky--they say they'll make it to church or to a baptism and they don't. They're not golden anymore. They're just silver now.

We got a new investigator--a solid one but a hard one. She met with missionaries a few years ago but the men in her life at the time didn't want her to. Now she has her own apartment so she can. She is a former drug addict and is working on the smoking now. She wants to be a member, though, and she has a great potential. She just has a lot of problems.

A funny thing happened this week. We have a threesome of sisters in our district--Sister Sha., Sister Shi., and Sister G. Sister Sha. is the female version of me--she doesn't like sunlight, she can't ride a bike, she doesn't like talking to people, etc. We were driving home from district meeting with the sisters in the backseat. Elder C. told them about how I see music.5 Sister G. revealed that she did too and that we both saw it as the same color. Sister Shi. said that if you combined her two companions you got me. Without thinking, Sister G. said defensively, "I'm fun!" We all laughed and then she said, "Sorry, Elder Melville." It was really funny because she totally said it without thinking.

I hate to disillusion you but it sounded like in your letter you thought I paid for lunch for all the district. I don't. I bought Elder C. lunch one time because he was out of money and I save up from month to month. But I don't share as you thought I did. Sorry.

Mother's Day--We usually have church meetings from 6:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. (I don't know if the morning meetings will be held with the holiday--but that's irrelevant in this letter). We will probably have dinner with members after church. My guess, therefore, is that we will get home about 6:30 or 7 and can call then. Utah is an hour ahead of us. I may let Elder Condie call first since he has younger siblings, but then again, I have a niece. So just expect a call sometime between seven and nine your time. I know that will make it hard for you with your family gatherings, but it's hard for us when right now we don't even know when we're eating.

Could I get instructions for your typical chicken gravy, the one made with flour? I'm not sure how much I'll have noodles, potatoes or rice, but I would like to have the recipe. It's hard to shop as missionaries because we don't know how long it will take us to go through something before it spoils and if we'll have to make our own food or not. That's part of how I've acquired money from my allowance.

Sister Welsh won't tell me about your conversation. She says it's from one mother to another. But I get to talk to you in a week so I'll see for real.

I know once we leave the library I'll think of something else to tell you but right now I have exhausted my ideas. Therefore, I will talk to you on Sunday. I hope I catch you.

Elder Melville


1I had asked for a miniature copy of the Children’s Songbook, and my mom sent me her old copy.
2I also asked for the Children’s Songbook CDs, which are terrible, but missionaries have limited options.
3I also listened to the Hymns CDs, which are equally terrible.
4My mom sent chocolate chip cookies, and I think she regretted they weren’t sugar cookies because those are more fragile. I was less strict on my “seasonal only” rules back then.
5Synesthesia.

Today is my five month mark! (4/28/08)

That's great about the suit.1 I'm glad my package made it. (I think everything is self-explanatory in there but the tie--it was Elder Ch.'s and he didn't want it and I don't have much use for it currently so I'm sending it home).2 Yes, I would like to have the suit whenever you can send it. (Side note--my slacks are all way too big--I'll have to find some member who can take them in. They made them like three or four inches too big in the first place,3 with elastic nonetheless, and then I've lost weight. Our district is also doing the Biggest Loser4--hopefully I can shed a little more then.) The only other thing I would like is a mini book of the primary songs. (Another tangent--I was looking through the primary song book and if you look closely you can see that "Once Within a Lowly Stable" is a complete knock-off of "Once in Royal David's City"--you can even switch the lyrics from one tune to another!) As for sending them, the Welshes are in Utah this week and they offered to stop by to take anything or pick anything up (I had sent my package two hours before they offered), so I gave them our address and phone number and they might stop by so you'll meet my host family! You can probably send stuff back up with them.

This week we had a lesson with Heather and Matt. I think I wrote about them last week. Anyway, I taught the Word of Wisdom and then came time for a commitment. I committed them to quit coffee (the only thing they violate). It was silent for a bit so I was a little worried. My companion was I think even more nervous, and I know the fellowshippers were very nervous because they walk on egg shells with these people. But they said yes! They'd do it! I hope they keep it. I think Matt could be ready. I think Heather wants to be ready but she doesn't want to want to be ready.

Also this week we made contact with a recent convert of whom we lost contact three months ago. She was meeting with President so he called us and we're back on track to do new member lessons with her.5 We also got a new investigator in the form of a part-member family. She told us he doesn't like religious people but he liked us, and they came to Elders Quorum game night where they were immediately fellowshipped. He didn't make it to church but she did, and hopefully he'll be there this week. The bishop also invited another PMF to have the lessons in his house so that should happen this week.

And looking in the index of the triple combination I found some errors. They spelled Jeneum (a Nephite commander defeated in Mormon 6) as Jeneam, and they spelled cumoms (the unidentified animal mentioned in Ether) as cummoms. You'd think they'd be better than to have two mistakes in the index.6

Writing letters has proved very difficult so don't expect snail mail for a while unless I can get through writing back everyone else.

--Elder Melville


1When my mom forwarded this email to family, she said, “Note about the suit comment. One of his suits wore through already, but Mr. Mac's just replaced it and will alter it free as well.”

2I believe I was referring to this tie:

3I’m not exaggerating here. If I recall correctly, they measured my waist at 39 inches in those days, and they gave me size 43. I think they were judgmental and assumed that this fat kid would get fatter.

4This might have been the time my family told me they were doing a Biggest Loser competition among themselves. My dad won by losing five pounds.

5Oh yes, Denise. What a sad story all around. The missionary who baptized her was sent home once it was discovered he had broken the law of chastity in the bathroom with a girl. I think it was Denise’s friend’s daughter or something. I believe Denise was baptized after he had done the deed but before people knew. This all went down right before I got in the mission; it happened in another area, and then Denise moved in to our area after she was baptized. I remember Denise saying she kept in contact with him on Myspace and he said he might not get excommunicated. After this, our mission president made all missionaries commit to “locking their hearts.” I knew some missionaries who had been trained by him, and it sounds like it happened more than once. Denise told us she didn’t hold it against the Church that this happened, but she did struggle with making it to church. She was in her late 20s and was enormous; she had to be close to 400 pounds. I recently Googled and learned that she died in 2011 in her early 30s.

6They fixed these misspellings for the 2013 edition.

Six more weeks (4/21/08)

This week we got transfer calls and I am staying in Mead with Elder C. for another transfer! I am Elder C.'s eleventh companion (not counting the MTC) and, except for his trainer, I am the only one he has had more than a transfer. I filled out the dates in my next planner, and this transfer I hit five months, I call home for Mothers' Day (I'll have had two phone calls before I hit six months), Preston turns three and a half, Pops turns fifty-seven, and I hit six months. Wow!

On a side note, I hope I am not exhausting my home resources. I like to withdraw money from my account and then spend it on various things. Often we go out to eat as a district and I pay with my money,1 and last week I bought a CD by a Christian artist named Michelle Tumes. I really like it but I can't listen to two of the songs because they are love songs.2 (We like to joke that they're OK because they're allegorical, just like the uninspired Song of Solomon is supposed to be--but we know we can't really listen to them.)

I'm getting ready to ship my suit off home so that should be coming soon, along with my memory cards with videos on them. You don't have to send my cards back--at least, now I don't feel like you need to--because I feel like I'm getting a hord of cards and I am going to get more and more and you'll lose all of yours.

One of the families we're teaching is a single mom, Heather, and her 15-year-old son, Matt. We're teaching them in a members' home. Last week they came to church. Heather has problems believing even that Jesus is divine so the members wanted us to do a lesson on that. This week our lesson was a testimony meeting, and we had testimonies from us, the members, Job, Peter, the brother of Jared, President Hinckley, Elder Wirthlin, Elder Hales, and Elder Holland. This week Heather said she wasn't feeling well but Matt called the members--who are almost sixty--and asked for a ride to church! It was a huge step. We think Matt could and would get baptized but it would be a while before he would get his mom's permission. With a little time, though, I think we'll get him, at least.

We also learned that a part-member family--the member is the sister of the dad of my first baptism--agreed to have the lessons in the bishop's home! And another investigator has set a date for June! And we have two other referrals we're still trying to get a hold of--one of whom is African and has a member uncle! It's exciting.

This is an interesting story that happened a while ago but I don't think I've told you yet. During my first transfer I found an area here in Mead that I had dreamt about before my mission. That was pretty interesting. But then, one of my first days with Elder C., I found another place I'd dreamt about while I was in the MTC. The main difference was that in the dream it was a mud road (and family was on the road) and here it was paved (and no family), but it's totally the same place. These places are places we don't go often and nothing significant has come out of them, but it is very interesting that there are not one but two places I've dreamt about before I've seen them. The dreams were insignificant, the real places were insignificant, but it is still very interesting.

Thanks for letting me know about how you will be sending a package. Last night I had a dream that I was waiting for a package and it didn't come until you brought it up here yourselves (I don't know why you were visiting) and it was huge. It had some of your clothes in it (I think to fill space) and I couldn't figure out why you sent Christmas candy because it wasn't even the Fourth of July. I feel guilty asking for all those things. Hopefully I won't ask for anything else for a while, since most things I request are silly and somewhat costly.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. Until next week,

Elder Melville

1I think my mom erroneously thought this meant that I paid for everyone else’s lunch. Nope. I just paid for my own.

2This album was The Very Best of Michelle Tumes. She’s like Enya. I actually learned after my mission that one of the songs, “Please Come Back,” was actually about the Prodigal Son from the father’s perspective, so it was totally mission appropriate. It wouldn’t surprise me if the other one, “Do Ya,” also had some Christian meaning.

Suit coat OFF (4/14/08)

This week it got really warm and we got to shed our suit coats. Today hopefully I will get my good suit drycleaned so next week I can ship my worn one off. Elder C. pointed out that even the jacket is wearing. 

This was a mediocre week (although we had three investigators at church) and I was on an exchange in another area the day we had all our best appointments so this letter will focus more on silly anecdotes. I had to go on two  exchanges this week. I felt like my companion was district leader again.

I am keeping a list of funny scriptures and I found some more this week. One is in Proverbs 6 (I don't remember the verse) and it says "Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways and be wise."¹ Another one wasn't so funny but Alma made a mistake in writing. He said that the Nephites were shielded from the more vital parts of the body.² You can't erase engravings in gold so he had to correct and clarify that it was the parts of the body that were shielded, not attacking. I have to read four chapters a day for the next month so I can get through on May 10.³ Hopefully I can do that. If I can today and tomorrow  it will be easier because I will finish Alma. The last half of Alma is the war chapters which I don't like that much. Everyone loves Captain Moroni and the two thousand stripling soldiers (they are soldiers, not warriors)⁴ but reading about building up heaps of earth to protect cities gets tiresome after a while. Once I finish the Book of Mormon I can get back to the Old Testament (I put Proverbs on hold until I get done with the Book of Mormon) which can also get tedious but I haven't read all of it before like I have Alma. 

Speaking of the Old Testament, Duane, our on-date, was telling the bishop that he likes to read a Proverb or a Psalm every day. Elder C. and I looked at each other because we have had many discussions about how we hate Psalms. Can you say overrated? Especially if you read "Praise to the Lord. Selah" over and over again. 

Yesterday in sacrament meeting we sang "Savior, Redeemer of My  Soul." In the program they printed it "Save your Redeemer of My Soul." I also looked in the hymn book and found out that the tune name for "They the Builders of the Nation" is "Beaver." I can just imagine them playing a hymn about pioneers as background music for a documentary about flat-tailed, dam-building mammals. 

We got a list of less-actives and part-member families the bishop wanted us to see and our ward mission leader typed out. There was one named Mitch W. but he typed it Witch W. and we had no idea  what it was supposed to be. The thought of someone being called Witch was so funny to me I even snorted in front of Elder C.

Next week is transfers. I hope our companionship stays the same but I'll find out Saturday. We had interviews this week and President C. told Elder C. we were a good companionship. This week a sister missionary in the other district had to go home for medical reasons and she'll be gone for six weeks to six months. The other sister, Sister G. (the g is soft as in gel), had to come down here and form a threesome in our district while the elders up in Colville take over both areas. Sister G. is the first sister I've seen who's willing to play dodgeball with us.⁵

Well, I can't think of anything else to write so until next week (when I'll know  my future for six more weeks),

Love, 

Elder Melville

1Proverbs 6:6.

2Alma 43:38.

3After Gordon B. Hinckley died, our mission president wanted us to read the Book of Mormon in ninety-seven days.

4Alma 53:22 calls them “stripling soldiers.” “Stripling warriors” occurs nowhere in the Book of Mormon. “Soldiers” is a word we use regularly, but “stripling” is not, so it’s always puzzled me that we keep the word we don’t know, but get rid of the word we do know.

5We would play dodgeball on P-Day, and it was the only sport I liked playing. We wouldn’t play in teams; it was every man for himself. Whenever you got someone out, they would sit down, but if you got out, then everyone you hit would be back in the game. So the game ended when one person got everyone out. I liked this version because I didn’t feel like I was letting everyone down. But sadly, no one ever plays this way. :(

No package to send yet (4/7/08)

I got a full hour today so I don't have to rush.

We are still not permitted to take off our suit coats until it hits around 75 degrees so it may be a while before I get to send my suit home, considering it snowed on Saturday.[1] I'll still have to make do with my holey pants. The holes just lead to the inner lining of the pants, so no one will notice, especially compared to Elder Condie's enormous holes in his pants. We  were teaching the youth on the fifth Sunday and he was sitting on a table. Only later did he realize what pants he was wearing and that he should not have been sitting like that.

I loved conference! I've always had a hard time paying attention and I still did a little bit this conference but I think I picked up more than usual. Part of that might be watching it in a stake center. We could have watched it with the Welshes on the BYU channel but Elder Condie wanted to go to the church building. The favorite part of all the missionaries was when Elder Bednar said the missionaries are the full-time teachers and the members are the full-time finders.[2] I love referrals! The solemn assembly was interesting. I don't remember the conference after President Hunter died (although I do remember the day he died) so I didn't know that's what they did.

President Clark came and interviewed Duane and Vickie and they're good to go for the 26th, when Duane will be off probation.[3] He even wants to come to the baptism. Transfers are in two weeks and I hope I'm not transferred before they're baptized. Not this coming transfer but the next there are eighteen new missionaries coming in and everyone is saying they think I'll train, since President has to get a lot of new zone leaders as well (many of the current ones are going home) and that is a lot of new missionaries. If that is the case, it would probably mean I'll get shipped off to a new area in two weeks, stay with that companion for a transfer, and then train for two (if I stayed in the same area it would be nine months by the time I was done training and that would be a long time). But that is all just speculation. I don't feel qualified to train, although President wrote Elder Condie and told him to give me a lot of responsibility to help me grow.[4]

As for the "unique spirit" thing--I think everyone took that far more seriously than I intended. Sure, that was my interpretation, but I wasn't really offended or anything by it.[5]

I can't believe Allie is going to kindergarten. That's less than five months away. I really can't believe that in less than four months she'll be five--I think she'll be four to me until I come home. And Preston will be three. And Franklin just doesn't exist until I get home.

I can't think of anything else about which to write at the moment.[6] If I think of anything else the next fifteen minutes while I'm here I'll send you another email but nothing might come to me.

Sincerely,

Elder Melville

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[1] The general rule was that we wore our suit coats between October and April conferences, but not between April and October. But in April, they told us we still needed to wear them longer, but in October, we had to wear them even if it was warm. I thought that was dumb. It should either be a weather thing, or a conference thing, not some arbitrary whim that could change.

[2] I recently cited this talk on my other blog, but in a much different context. Elder Bednar visited my mission when it was almost time for me to go home, and he referenced this talk, saying he heard all the missionaries squeal with delight when he said it.

[3] His probation was extended, and they dropped off and never got baptized.

[4] This was kind of a presumptuous paragraph. I never trained in my entire mission, nor was I a district leader or a zone leader. And when I think of some of the missionaries who did serve in leadership roles, I’m fine with that.

[5] See last week’s post.

[6] “About which to write”—ugh. This is why you don’t teach people that you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition. That’s false, and it makes awkward phrases like this one.

Late P-Day (4/1/08)

If you're wondering why you're getting this on Tuesday instead of Monday, it is because we went to the temple today. We are only allowed to go on P-day once every three months, but the temple is closed on Monday. Therefore we have to email today. The temple took up a lot of time so I'm short on minutes again today. Elder C. only emails President so he has to wait a while for me. Hopefully next week we can get the full hour again.[1]

I'm going to wait on the package until after Conference. I am sending back my gray suit because both pairs of pants are worn.[2] After Conference  we get to take off our jackets and I'll be in slacks but I can't afford to have only one suit at the moment. I'm concerned about removing the jacket. It hides my obesity.

I also discovered that my camera has a video feature on it so when I send the package you'll get some video clips of me, Elder C., members, and a goofy little  dog.

I think I would like the History of the Church. Getting it sent will be the biggest obstacle, I think. If they have it on CD that would be the most economic but if not paperback would be good.

I got a letter from Bishop Jones with highlights of all the missionaries from our ward. It was good to hear Ryan [last name redacted] sent in his papers. They included excerpts from all the missionaries' letters home. To preface mine they said I charm people with my unique spirit. "Unique spirit" is clearly a euphemism for weirdo--but oh, well.[3]

I hate having such little time to email. Hopefully I really will write snail mail today and I can tell you all the amazing things happening. I'll give you a brief recap--Duane and Vickie's baptism has been postponed because Duane is on probation; some members brought a friend to church and we put her on-date for baptism, only to discover she's not in our ward; and Chelsea, a 15-year-old we taught a little bit, is on date by the elders up in Chewelah (chuh-WEE-luh)!

I hope to give you greater details!

Love, Elder Melville

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[1] Elder C. was very disobedient, and he refused to write letters on P-Day “because there’s plenty of time to write throughout the week,” and he would even discourage me from writing on P-Day. What a jerk.

[2] This is one experience that has led me not to trust Mr. Mac. The pants of this suit had holes worn on the inside of the thighs, and even the jacket began wearing out after only three months! My mom took the suit back, and the salesman tried to replace it with the same suit. My mom said, “That’s the same suit, it will just wear out again.” He responded, “Well, if you’re a missionary with thunder thighs, that’s going to happen.” Not to mention the fact that they tailored my slacks (not the ones with the suits) literally four inches larger in the waist than they measured me.

[3] My mom often forwarded these emails to other ward members, but apparently she didn’t forward this one because of this “weirdo” comment. The Bishop apologized to her because he didn’t mean it that way. I mostly said it in jest, and I explained that in a later letter.

Briefly (3/24/08)

So I know you're on vacation, which means you probably won't read this for a while. But today we didn't reserve computers at the library, so I only get a half hour today, so I have to keep it simple. It was a very eventful week so I will try to write you a snail mail if I can find the time. We are super busy--which is good--so I don't know how soon I'll be able to send it off. I'm also sending a package home soon but I'll wait until you're home from your trip.

Love,

Letter Mark[1]

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[1] A few months before I left, someone had posted a sign in my neighborhood that said, “Welcome home, Elder D!” My mom read it to my four-year-old niece, Allie, and said they could make a similar sign for me. But a four-year-old has never heard of “Elder D,” but they have heard of “the letter D.” So Allie began saying that they would make a sign for me that said, “Welcome home, Letter Mark!” I was sorely disappointed when I returned home and six-year-old Allie had insisted on “Elder Mark” instead of “Letter Mark.”

(no subject) (3/17/08)

[1]So my new companion is another white nerdy Utah boy with glasses who worked at Wal-Mart[2] so it makes the Church seem less diverse than when I was with Elder Ch., a Hawaiian Californian Renaissance Man. It will definitely be a different experience with Elder Co. He looks like Chicken Little. He is kind of what happens if you cross me and Elder Ch. as far as various interests go.

I'm officially no longer a greenie but the wards don't tend to think so and they don't really trust me.[3] Oh, well. It's not my permanent ward.

Sorry I didn't send a paper letter this week. There wasn't anything else I really needed to say and I didn't have time. I might try to write you a little less so I can catch up on writing back the other people who've written me.

So our new district consists of Elder Melville and Elder Co.; Elder C. J., district leader, and his greenie, Elder D. (I listed them in our phone as My Two Sons,[4] and whenever I see it the <i>My Three Sons</i> theme pops into my head, so I might have to change that); Elder Cly. and Elder B., the latter of whom is sort of notorious for being an apostate;[5] Elder G. and Elder Cla., zone leaders; and Sister Sha. and Sister Shi., the latter of whom had an anxiety attack during district meeting.

Yesterday Duane, our investigator, showed up at church and participated in classes. They are so completely golden. There is a scary possibility with them with a funny story behind it. When he was on the wrong track Duane stole a computer from Wal-Mart then fell asleep in the car in the parking lot. He also tried to load thirty lawnmowers on a truck and steal the truck. He was caught with both crimes but they were going to let the lawnmower charge go since he was going to jail for the computer. Now, four years later, the lawnmowers have come back so he has a court hearing in a few weeks. We hope they'll let him off.

Speaking of jail, our drunk investigator (who was sober when we saw him this week) might go to jail because he was charged with indecent exposure and then failed to go to court. He wants to go to jail so he can quit smoking and drinking but he worries without medication he'll die in jail. I've never met someone who wanted to go to jail before.

Well, the Welshes[6] are going to take us to Costco and Elder Co. is waiting for me even though I have a while left on the computer. If I think of anything else important I'll write you a snail mail.

Happy St. Patrick's Day and Easter. The 22nd or the 23rd (I can't remember which) is the earliest Easter can be so this is an unusual year.[7] My tie isn't terribly green but no one wants to pinch missionaries, as far as I know....[8]

--Elder Melville

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[1] I don’t know whether I forgot to give the email a subject, or if I consciously typed “(no subject).”

[2] I worked in the Walmart deli from June to October 2007.

[3] I’m so quiet that people thought I was green even in my last area.

[4] Both their names ended in “son” (I edited the names out for the internet).

[5] “Apostate” in mission lingo means disobedient. This elder toned it down by the time I met him.

[6] The couple we lived with.

[7] Easter was on March 23, 2008, the earliest I can remember.

[8] I had asked my family to send me a tie that was unquestionably green, so what did they do? They sent me a tie and said, “I’m not sure this is green enough for you.” Exactly what I wanted them not to do. They said they wanted it to match the suit. :/

Transfers (3/10/08)

Tomorrow are transfers. I'm staying in Mead and receiving an Elder S. Co. (I don't know if that's correct spelling)[1] while  Elder Ch. goes to Coeur d'Alene to be a zone leader. I'm terrified about being left with an area. I know as far as my benefit goes it's better than me going to a completely new area--then I'd feel like it was my first day again--but it's really scary.

Last transfer everyone stayed the same and this time every companionship is changing. It will be an interesting experience. Elder C. J. has been out six months and this will be his first time as a district leader and trainer. Elder Ch. doesn't really like my new companion but Elder J. does. I don't know yet because I don't meet him until tomorrow. We are also getting an elder with a lot of rumors--bad thing--and Sister S., the odd duck I wrote about who showed me the video of her skirt flying up.[2] This will be a  veeerry interesting transfer for Elder J. I will officially be no longer green, which is both good and bad because I am sick of being new but I no longer have an excuse for my mistakes.

I had my first baptism this week but I don't feel like  it's anything special because I only taught her two pre-baptism lessons--not the real lessons--and her dad baptized her.  It was a  ten-year-old in a less-active family.[3]

We have a couple of new  investigators. Duane and Vickie are golden--they already are planning for baptism and we just started teaching them. They know the Church is true and Duane knew he had to quit coffee since the Church doesn't use it before we even talked about baptism. There are so many fantastic things denoting their readiness that I'm not even going to try.[4]

Mark is not so golden. Three of the four times we've met with him he's been drunk. The other time he was going through withdrawals. We gave a shave and a haircut to him (Elder Ch. did the hair, and yes, I shaved a drunk man's beard) and he liked it then but last night when he was drunk he told us he didn't like us and if we wouldn't get a book from the bookstore for him he wouldn't let us keep coming over. We're going to see him tonight and see what the case is with that.  He is lonely which is why we're meeting him and why he's an alcoholic. It just makes me realize how inspired the Word of Wisdom is. Between the beer and the cigarettes--LOTS of those--we leave his apartment smelling terrible.[5]

We teach a less-active woman's unbaptized ADHD kids who are very funny. We need to take a tape recorder to the lessons. Last week the ten-year-old boy was talking about how his mom has the Gift of the Holy Ghost but sometimes she loses it when she yells at them. Elder Ch. was teaching repentance and said, "Let's say you cheated on a test." His response was, "How did you know?" When he saw "Another Testament of Jesus Christ" on the Book of Mormon, not realizing it was the same as the one he already had, he said, "This must be the second season!"

By the way, thanks for the package, although the g's are way too big. I'm excited about the books and candy.[6] Regarding the History of the Church, I know it's big, which is why I wasn't totally sure I wanted you to send it. It would not be something that I would want to have one volume at a time--I would like it for a reference, not for something just to read through (I have enough of that).[7] I wonder if they have it on CD. That would be less convenient as far as reference  goes but would be easier for shipping and carrying purposes. I still would like one of the said media but it's no big rush, hurry or desire. I'm not asking for it now but next time you do send a package I might like a Children's  Songbook both as the small book and the CDs. I really like some of the primary songs--I just wish the CDs didn't have them sung by children since that can get tiresome.[8]

It seems like there was something else I was going to write. I know I'll think of it later and hopefully I can put it in my snail mail. Next week you should get the installment concerning my new cpmpanion and taking the reins of the area.

Love,

Elder Melville

P.S. If you want a laugh, read Mosiah 12:1.[9]

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[1] Remember that I am not including full names, or even unabbreviated names of my companions, for privacy’s sake.

[2] See this post.

[3] I don’t think they remained active. I wish I had done things differently in the ensuing transfers, but I didn’t know any better.

[4] Duane and Vickie are one of the great mysteries of my mission. They were golden and very excited for baptism, but then they just quit really talking to us. Duane was a recovering addict/criminal, and his probation was extended, which delayed baptism, so that might have had something to do with it; but they were really gung ho, and then stopped.

[5] We started visiting Mark because his therapist was a member in a different ward. Mark did later quit drinking, though after we had quit visiting. The member would make comments about me being scared of him. I resented the comment, but he was somewhat right. Thanks to Mark and other people, I can no longer distinguish the smells of beer and cigarettes from each other. They just go together.

[6] She sent me the JST of the New Testament and Easter candy. Easter was on March 23 that year, the earliest I’ve ever seen it.

[7] My mom had suggested she could send me one volume at a time of History of the Church and I could send them back when I was done.

[8] I did come to enjoy listening to the Children’s Songbook CDs, since missionary music is limited. But the music on the CDs is terrible! So bad!

[9] “And it came to pass that after the space of two years that Abinadi came among them in disguise, that they knew him not, and began to prophesy among them, saying: Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying—Abinadi, go and prophesy unto this my people.” Pro tip: If you’re going to wear a disguise, don’t tell them your name!